Comme mon monde tourne

Monday, September 10, 2007

My brain takes a dump - I

Y'know what the hardest thing in the world is? Realising that someone expects the world from you, and you might not live up to their expectations. "Letting someone down" -- my biggest fear -- right up there on top of the list, alongside my fear of losing the people I'm close to and care about.

Now these expectations cover a wide spectrum: there're the parents, then there's the boss, there're friends, and then there are random people who call on you for help.

Out of all of the above, the last one is the scariest. You know that the person in question needs help, and every fibre in your being wants to be there for them, but you're scared you may not be able to do enough -- or what you do may not be on time.

I mean, I'm the last person to shy away from challenges -- I thrive on them; but only as long as I'm putting myself on the line to meet them challenges. When other lives hang in the balance, the challenge is not fun anymore. It becomes a monster that you're scared will defeat you in a duel, and if you're defeated, what becomes of those who're depending on you to fight for them?

You'll be letting them down, and most importantly, you'll be leaving them out in the cold -- when your "best" is sometimes just not good enough. Why do people think I can help them, or be there for them? There's only so much of me, and much as I'd love to, there's not enough to go around, and that breaks my heart.

It breaks my heart when someone comes up to me and if I'm not able to provide them with what they expected from me. Should this motivate me to try harder? It does. But what if my "hardest" still falls short?

Should I learn to say no? But if I said no, and didn't even try, I wouldn't ever be able to live with my conscience. The "what if" will haunt me forever. Makes sense? No? Me neither. : (
posted by Bolshevik at 9/10/2007 08:42:00 pm


Hey Bolshevik, there is no need to feel so guilty about this (the depth of your committment to help strangers). This track of yours makes us rest feel so lowly! Most of the time, we are scared to even try and help strangers, fearful of a scam... Just make sure that you do your best "at the moment" that they approach you without letting yourself into it too deep to get "trapped" or anything... Spare our own guilt a bit by being a bit normal!!! Thanx - Anuj

13 November 2007 at 17:16  

Loved the title of this post. I've been in a similar crossroad.

29 January 2008 at 12:27  

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